Ramblings

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About ten miles away from the town of Montespertoli in Tuscany.

It’s been almost 3 years since starting this sad excuse for a blog. Though I’ve only posted twice, I have come back to it several times over the years and started many a paragraph. However, most of them were too honest, too raw, too real; which in turn made me too exposed and too vulnerable, so I could never talk myself into pushing that publish button. Yet tonight the words are bumbling around in my skull, so I must purge them. Forgive me for my ramblings.

In the past three years I’ve traveled to the most beautiful places on earth, met people who have inspired me to be better, and learned lessons I do not ever hope to learn again. Italy is my heartbeat. Forever will a piece of me be there, with my friends and the landscape. My current body, though, is located in the outskirts of Kansas City (not for lack of trying to be closer to downtown; does a 200 sq. ft. studio really need to be $900??), and I’m working for a children’s hospital. It’s a position I love, even if I don’t love the geographical location yet.

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A bit of Kansas City.

After my years in Italy I will say that I had forgotten- the loneliness of not knowing anyone, the awkwardness of visiting shops and restaurants alone. Oh, how keenly do I remember now. No more proof is needed other than the fact it is a Saturday night and I am alone writing a blog post. So. I will cry a little, watch a movie or two [or three], eat more peanut M&M’s than are good for me, and try to hold fast to my favorite truths. My friends, though they be far away, are the best in the world; my family has supported every harebrained idea and spur of the moment move, they have loved me unconditionally and haven’t once tried to hold me back from God’s plan for my life; my God is for me- even when I am lonely, stuffed to the brim with candies, and throwing pity parties- He is ferociously for me. For always and for tonight, that is good enough.

These feelings will pass. Tomorrow I will try out a new church, maybe make a friend, maybe try out that little coffee shop I have wanted to stop at. Who knows, but at least I can rest in knowing the sun will rise and it will be a new day. Thank God for that.

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I have 14 days left in the state of Arkansas…Well, in the United States if you wanted to get technical.

And if I were to be honest, I did not really want to write this post. I don’t like talking about my emotions or feelings about a certain topic all that much.. Nevertheless there are times, usually when I am alone and have nothing to be working on, that I freak out. Not over the top panic attacks or hyperventilation worthy moments, just a slight pounding of the heart and maybe a bit of sweat over the brow.

A little voice (not the schizophrenic kind) pops up asking me what in the world am I thinking leaving everything I know and am comfortable with… and I just get a little nervous.

Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW that I am supposed to go to Italy. God has made that clear to me, I believe.

But I’m scared. There. I said it.

I think the fear of the unknown will be there for a bit. However, as I was reminded the other day:

How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion,“Your God reigns!” Isaiah 52:7

So, I’m scared. But I’m still going to proclaim the Good News.

And going in 14 days!

Then why have I decided to write a blog, you ask? Answer: I have absolutely no clue. See, I am in the middle of a huge life change and I have been informed that starting a blog is what “everyone” does when making big changes. Therefore I must warn you, I am a horrible writer; my punctuation is atrocious (I love commas and parentheses); I am incredibly sarcastic…and not in the witty, humorous way you see on popular televisions shows or in Jennifer Lawrence interviews.

OH! So you want to know what my BIG CHANGE is (No, I’m sure you don’t legitimately care but it was the best transition I could think of, ok!)? I am moving to Italy to work as a missionary. Yes, I have come to the realization that I am quite insane: I have never actually been to the country of Italy (or any part of Europe) and I have never wanted to work in the ministry. Honestly, I am convinced I will never meet any of the prescribed guidelines of being a missionary. But here is the thing, God left  me a post-it (not really; that would be awesome though…). He DID do this crazy thing He has been known to do: He slammed doors shut, in my face I might add, while shoving me through others. Italy just happens to be where He is currently shoving me (I say “shove” because at first I was adamant that I was not going!)!

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“The Boot”

Italy is a country of great beauty that has contributed so much to the advancement of the modern world (HELLO, pizza anyone?!), but it is also a country heavy, burdensome darkness. Basically all of Europe is in a “Post-Christian” era and Italy is at the forefront of this with an evangelical Christian population of 1.1% and approximately 1 evangelical church for every 60,000 Italians.  This is where some of you might stop reading and never return to this blog again or even ask yourself, “Who the heck cares about the Christian population (or lack thereof) in Italy?”.  Well, I can’t make you come back to my blog, but to answer your question: ME, I care a great deal.

So this blog is {optimistically} to be about my adventures, random thoughts, Italian language fails, and anything else God lays on my unworthy heart. It is highly doubtful that you will read any stunning spiritual revelations here, but I hope you will get a few laughs and a whole lot of encouragement. I haven’t the slightest clue as to what I am doing, but I hope you will join me on this wild ride! XOXO